IT FEELS LIKE THE END, BUT I HAVE TO TELL MY SELF IT’S THE BEGINNING…

I just ended thing with my boyfriend. He was in my life for 8 months. It’s fair to say I feel shit.

I can’t be bothered to write this, but I’m forcing myself to anyway.

2016 has been an amazing year for me, but now comes the questions of 2017. I know I can achieve my dreamof moving to Berlin, but at the moment I  am sad, und ich habe kein Bock etwas für meine Zukunft zu machen. Aber ich muss, weil nieman sonst kann.

In dieser Welt  bin ich nie alline, ich habe eine tolle familie, und sie sind  für mich immer da! Ich habe so viel gluck. Sie konnen mir helfen giben, aber ich muss die meistens schaffen, weil es mein Leben ist.

Ich schreibe jetzt in schlectes Deutsch, aber egal.

Ich habe mich selb vorsporchen, dass ich ein deutsches Buch lesen muss. Das Buch ist kinder buch, das auf meiner Schreibtisch liegt. BLAH. blah. mehr deutsch…

Ich muss mehr machen. Ich muss mehr machen. Ich muss.

 

To be happy today.

The pressure to do well in my life is the burden of my life. I want to do things that makes the ones I love proud, and until I do it, I am nothing but a trying man.

It’s really annoying because I know if I ever reach that step I won’t be happier, but I still want it anyway.

I upset myself by getting annoyed if I waste time, but still waste loads anyway- often in clever ways where my mind can’t realise it until about a week later.

Who gave me this drive idea of happiness? Why can’t I get rid of it?

I think it’s an idea that we all think is bullshit, but at the very same time keep upholding because we need it as much as we hate it.

So here is something I write to myself.

Don’t worry you’re doing okay. Yes, it is sad that you can’t be all that you dreamed, own an island and jet-pack off in to space, but you can still be happy. Happiness isn’t tied to success, it’s tied to appreciation. That doesn’t mean you can have a happy tap that let’s you control your mood. Sometimes you will be sad, very sad. You will be lazy, and unproductive. Aber es ist egal! One thing that will really make you sad though is comparing your life to others (FXCK FB), happiness isn’t in being the best, it’s loving where you are. I allow you to feel sad, but as long as you promise, you’ll be happy too.

I want to see where my life goes. I want it to be perfect, but I doubt it. I am nonetheless excited though! I AM GOING TO FXCK THIS WORLD! WE ALL JUST HAVE TO FXK IT.

About to jump

I’ve felt a bit lost lately. I am about to move to Germany for a year and despite it being a great opportunity I had to stop seeing this guy and I feel so shit about it.

I always joked that dick won’t dictate my life and stop me doing what I want, but letting go to the perfect guy attached to that penis sucks (he’s far from perfect, but I glaze over that in my nostalgic state).

He’s not the only reason I’m feeling a bit lost, that whole thing of “what do you want to do with your life” looms. I’ve just come out of education, and about to learn German for a year. Then finally be on the fine cliffedge of life where it’s a case of sink or swim, now that I’ve run out of educational cliff space to keep me from falling in. Am I ready to jump not knowing where I want to land,  what tide to join, or which current to follow, will I ever know?

 

 One thing I’ve always told myself is to never let fear stop or prevent me. I won’t let fear make me its bitch.

So here are some promises to myself as I get closer to edge:

• Get a B2 in German!
• Write an entry for the Manchester short writing competition
• Complete the small Java game
• Stay away from boys no matter how lonely I get!
• Find like-minded friends online
• Carry on with YouTube Book reviews
• Read all books in personal collection
• And apply for English literature masters
• Visit New York

I will give myself a year. I don’t expect to have completed all these, but at least have plans to. I could die today, I could die tomorrow, gotta’ keep living while I can!

All I have is myself