The Water

As it runs I am reminded that I am still.

So silent and constant.

Are your plans so undisturbed

you make them seem so.

Beautiful, deadly, a reminder of life’s delicacy.

You give us all the meaning to be. But can still take it at will.

Your music odd, your purpose unknown.

But it doesn’t matter.

You carry on headless. Bodyless. Purposeless.

Just doing what you’ve done.

I look to you as an inspiration of not knowing, not thinking, just doing. With such consideration, yet, thoughtless grace.

As you run you pull me with you.

Thanks for the show.

I could watch forever as your waters flow.

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The Lazy man with big dreams.

A pix of a park in snow
A picture I took today in Munich’s Hoffgarten. Yay, snow!

One thing I hate is realizing how generic I am. It sucks to find out I am nothing but a copy. All that “one in a million” bullshit is exactly that- bullshit.

What’s even worse is that I suck at reading and writing (dyslexia).

Dreams are so daunting. They remind me that I have nothing but them.

Who told me I could change the world, make an impact or do anything more than mundane? Damn them and their lies.

I’m now trying to apply for job in Berlin, however,  I am too lazy to do it with much affect. What is my generation, we expect everything without working to get it.

Random off topic thing, I need help with commas. I never know when to use them correctly, and every time I read about the topic, I am still left unsure.

 

 

Time waits for no one…

As I grow up I am starting to comprehend how short our lives actually are. I think no one on this planet is actually old, we’re all the same kids from the playground, but some of us just have saggy skin and aching joints. 
I am still young (what is young) 22, and I know as I get older everything will change. Everything I now love about my life will soon be dusty memories that I will slowly forget. 
Time is always moving. As it does things change. Change can be both welcome and unwelcome, but I believe in both instances change is required.

Time ends things that I, sometimes , never want to end. It removes people for my life. It can be very upsetting to reflect on what time has taken away, but we have to try not to let it eat us alive. 
I can be overwhelmed when I think too long on this topic, and how the years, no matter how hard I try, will just speed by, faster and faster.

However, I smile, and focus on the time I do have and time I had. The memories I have already made, and the many more I have the opportunity to make.  

I often hear from friends say how frustrated they are with Time, and its changing habits. 
When I read their posts or listen to their conversations I always have the urge to shake them. Yes, change can be tough cookie to chew on, but if you’re forever looking backwards, forever missing moments that are impossible to relive, how do you expect to focus on what comes next. 

Just as Time takes from us, it also gives. I know this may sound silly, but the gift Time gives us aren’t always easy to accept or notice.

So, yes, mourn the passing of the old, but don’t let this mourning define you. And have faith in what’s to come (even though it’s sometimes hard to have faith in the uncertain).
Change is life. Things can’t always stay the same.

You never know when Time will stop for you. Time can be a sudden, unexpected and just a plain bitch.

IT FEELS LIKE THE END, BUT I HAVE TO TELL MY SELF IT’S THE BEGINNING…

I just ended thing with my boyfriend. He was in my life for 8 months. It’s fair to say I feel shit.

I can’t be bothered to write this, but I’m forcing myself to anyway.

2016 has been an amazing year for me, but now comes the questions of 2017. I know I can achieve my dreamof moving to Berlin, but at the moment I  am sad, und ich habe kein Bock etwas für meine Zukunft zu machen. Aber ich muss, weil nieman sonst kann.

In dieser Welt  bin ich nie alline, ich habe eine tolle familie, und sie sind  für mich immer da! Ich habe so viel gluck. Sie konnen mir helfen giben, aber ich muss die meistens schaffen, weil es mein Leben ist.

Ich schreibe jetzt in schlectes Deutsch, aber egal.

Ich habe mich selb vorsporchen, dass ich ein deutsches Buch lesen muss. Das Buch ist kinder buch, das auf meiner Schreibtisch liegt. BLAH. blah. mehr deutsch…

Ich muss mehr machen. Ich muss mehr machen. Ich muss.

 

To be happy today.

The pressure to do well in my life is the burden of my life. I want to do things that makes the ones I love proud, and until I do it, I am nothing but a trying man.

It’s really annoying because I know if I ever reach that step I won’t be happier, but I still want it anyway.

I upset myself by getting annoyed if I waste time, but still waste loads anyway- often in clever ways where my mind can’t realise it until about a week later.

Who gave me this drive idea of happiness? Why can’t I get rid of it?

I think it’s an idea that we all think is bullshit, but at the very same time keep upholding because we need it as much as we hate it.

So here is something I write to myself.

Don’t worry you’re doing okay. Yes, it is sad that you can’t be all that you dreamed, own an island and jet-pack off in to space, but you can still be happy. Happiness isn’t tied to success, it’s tied to appreciation. That doesn’t mean you can have a happy tap that let’s you control your mood. Sometimes you will be sad, very sad. You will be lazy, and unproductive. Aber es ist egal! One thing that will really make you sad though is comparing your life to others (FXCK FB), happiness isn’t in being the best, it’s loving where you are. I allow you to feel sad, but as long as you promise, you’ll be happy too.

I want to see where my life goes. I want it to be perfect, but I doubt it. I am nonetheless excited though! I AM GOING TO FXCK THIS WORLD! WE ALL JUST HAVE TO FXK IT.

About to jump 

purple.jpg

I’ve felt a bit lost lately. I am about to move to Germany for a year and despite it being a great opportunity I had to stop seeing this guy and I feel so shit about it.

I always joked that dick won’t dictate my life and stop me doing what I want, but letting go to the perfect guy attached to that penis sucks (he’s far from perfect, but I glaze over that in my nostalgic state).

He’s not the only reason I’m feeling a bit lost, that whole thing of “what do you want to do with your life” looms. I’ve just come out of education, and about to learn German for a year. Then finally be on the fine cliffedge of life where it’s a case of sink or swim, now that I’ve run out of educational cliff space to keep me from falling in. Am I ready to jump not knowing where I want to land,  what tide to join, or which current to follow, will I ever know?

 

 One thing I’ve always told myself is to never let fear stop or prevent me. I won’t let fear make me its bitch.

So here are some promises to myself as I get closer to edge:

  • Get a B2 in German!
  • Write an entry for the Manchester short writing competition
  • Complete the small Java game
  • Stay away from boys no matter how lonely I get!
  • Find like-minded friends online
  • Carry on with YouTube Book reviews
  • Read all books in personal collection
  • And apply for English literature masters
  • Visit New York

I will give myself a year. I don’t expect to have completed all these, but at least have plans to. I could die today, I could die tomorrow, gotta’ keep living while I can!


All I have is myself

A Change of Game #RespectfulFucking

woman on a swing

One of the hardest things to do is admit you’re wrong, but now I’m going to do it.

When I stared this blog I had the full intentions of getting lots of sex, from lots of different guys, and being a complete sex monster.

Why? It always seemed like fun.

I started with a massive ego that was completely destroyed within the first week. I thought I could chat to anyone, and anyone would love to chat to me. However I learnt the harsh reality of NSA. No personality, just sex- something I always knew, but never truly understood the bitterness of.

I didn’t have the confidence, or stability (living with family) to support that lifestyle. I wanted drinks, talk; to be charmed into bed. That was such a childish pipe dream.

I went on a ton of dead dates (got bored blogging them). It was always the same: great conversation but lacking that spark and practical issues like no where to go for- it.

Before this I was the love only guy: deep, heavy, love that shakes you to the core and stays with you in odd fragments.

The shallowness of the dates, guys: and their clear intentions, made me feel cheap. But, I still wanted sex. Just to say I’d done it.

That’s where Reece (previous blog) comes in. Nice guy, stable, attractive- the perfect guy to have fun with. He didn’t have the bluntness of the others, and we had great sex (we’ve met again).

The best part about Reece is that there is not that extra feeling- you know the one that grows inside your tummy until you’re crying yourself to sleep concealing your dying love.

It honestly is just friends who fuck, with a little bit of spooning on the side. We talk like mates, watch TV like mates, but when the show ends we fuck like animals.

So this is my new realisation, I am a ‘love guy’.

I can’t change that. I like spooning, long eye contact, cute texts, watching films, meeting families, friends and really embedding myself into someone I love, mind and spirit.

However, I’ve just come out of a long term relationship. Things got stressful, constant arguments, disagreements, and after six months of constant hell, the idea that it was ever going to end seemed gone to the wind. So I’m not going to get into another relationship soon.

I want me time. I’ve just graduated university, I’m moving to Germany for a year soon, after which I will need to get my life sorted in the UK. Get a proper job that allows me to fashion an adult life.

I don’t want to be someone who has a relationship just for the hugs at night. I want a man to enter my life who wants to set good foundations for a family: something serious, not pubescent love.

In the meantime though, I like sex, so that’s why I have Reece. We both have a completely mutual understanding. He knows I’m leaving the country, and I know we don’t have the spark.

I deleted all dating apps. I have a few guys on my WhatsApp, but for now it’s just Reece. who I see once or twice a week. Like I said before though, he sees men in-between as his sex drive is a lot higher than mine. But I like it; it ensures we don’t get the lines blurred.

We do really get on, we often plummet into deep conversations about the English language, and he passes me books that he likes, he knows I’m an avid reader. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we respect each other; we make time for each other.

I honestly think what I have going on is the most sensible thing.

Who says you can’t have an organised sex life?

I am still contemplating threesomes etc. I have a very juicy guy in mind, all parties are interested, I’ve just got to organise it. But nerves are holding me back, but I’m sure I will soon conquer them.

woman on a swing
The latest book loan from Reece. Still struggling with the idea that a man wrote in a woman’s perspective.